#32 Dear Santa

Dear Santa
by Margaret Finnegan

Dear Santa:

How are you? I am fine. For Christmas I would like the pink Transformer, an iTouch, some video games, a skateboard, a Ping-Pong table, a TV for my room, a cell phone, and a puppy.

Sincerely,
Kyle

Dear Kyle:

Thank you for your letter. My Holiday Miracles Team really wants to hear from you, but all the elves are busy right now. Please wait patiently. When we have read your letter, we will get back to you—and remember, for faster service please put your Child Identification Number on all correspondence.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Dear Santa:

How are you? I am fine. My CIN is 005934562. I would like all of the things listed on my last letter, which you will know is mine because it is signed Kyle. I will wait patiently.

Sincerely,
Kyle

¡Hola Kyle!

Usted ha sido un niño muy bueno este año. ¡Esta Navidad, obtendrá todo lo que quieras!

Con amor,
Santa Claus

Dear Santa:

How are you? I (005934562) am fine. For Christmas I would like the pink Transformer, an iTouch, some video games, a skateboard, a Ping-Pong table, a TV for my room, a cell phone, and a puppy.

Sincerely,
Kyle

Dear Kyle:

Our records indicate that you have not been a good boy. Please revise your list accordingly.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus:

Per your letter 6 December 2009. As the mother of Kyle (CIN 005934562), I can assure you that Kyle has indeed been a very good boy this year. Kyle has consistently done his chores, which include taking out the trash and setting the table, and he has gotten very good grades.

As many Gifted and Talented children, however, Kyle is easily bored. As we have explained to the school, this can hardly be blamed on Kyle. Had he been given the challenging curriculum that he deserves, we are certain that the unfortunate “glued computer incident” would never have occurred.

As it is, Kyle’s teacher has moved on. Is it naughty to ask that you do the same? Or perhaps you simply have our Kyle mixed up with another Kyle.

Gracias,
Karen Thompson

Dear Ms. Thompson:

Three words: Fred the cat.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus:

As it was clearly an accident, it seems hardly fair to bring up the Fred affair. Besides, the Murphys, who, to be brutally honest, are rather irresponsible people, didn’t even notice that their cat had been missing until Kyle thoughtfully decided to show them the little movie he made at Raging Waters. If you had seen the video, I think you would have to agree that Fred truly enjoys water sports.

Karen Thompson

Dear Kyle:

We wonder about your willingness to let your mother fight all your battles for you. Do you really think that will help you in the long run?

Wishing you a very merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus:

There is no need to take this out on Kyle (CIN 005934562), who has been a very good boy this year and who deserves the rights and privileges accruing thereof, as stated in Santa Statute 15.342. If denied these rights, you may expect swift legal reprisal.

Karen Thompson, JD
Wong & Warburton

Attorneys at Large

5151 Jehosphat Drive

Pasadena, CA 91106

Dear Kyle:

Our records show that you have behaved adequately this year. Children in the adequate range can expect to receive select sports equipment (no Ping-Pong tables), board games, stuffed animals and clothing. Please adjust your list accordingly.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Dear Santa:

What about the puppy?

Kyle
CIN 005934562

Dear Kyle:

Karen Thompson, aka your overbearing mother, has previously declared your home a pet-free zone. If she wishes to amend this gift-giving category, please ask her to visit our Facebook page and click “like” on “yes to pets.”

Wishing you a very merry Christmas.
Santa Claus

My dear old friend Santa:

I’m sensing some tension between the Thompsons and your Holiday Miracles Team. It breaks my heart—really—and I think it must break your heart too.

Isn’t this the season of giving and forgiving? Remember Christmas 1977? That was the year you gave me Logan’s Run action figures when I really wanted Star Wars action figures. I forgave you, and we went on like nothing had happened. Remember? Can’t we go back again? I thought so. You’re still the best!

By the way, please ignore changes to our “yes to pets” Facebook Status. We are still very much NO to pets, despite the cheeky hacking of a certain adorable young boy. ;o)

Troy Thompson
Father of Kyle/CIN 005934562

Dear Kyle:

Our records indicate that you have not been a good boy this year. Please enjoy these complimentary Christmas socks.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

© Copyright 2009 Margaret Finnegan. All rights reserved.


Margaret Finnegan is a regular contributor to Rose City Sisters. Her work has been featured in numerous publications and on her blog, Finnegan Begin Again. This Christmas she is hoping for family harmony and a self-cleaning house, but she’ll settle for gloves.

17 Responses to #32 Dear Santa

  1. Oh my GOD! This is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahah
    Christmas revised!!! Ahahahahah
    Is there a customer service number too? I have a few questions on my letter, which I sent back in the 80ies! 😀

  2. Oh very entertaining, in a truthful sort of way. I fear that if Santa did exist, yes, the whole Santa industry might come to this! Great job, Margaret 🙂

  3. I love this! So funny. I was really hoping Kyle wouldn’t get anything, especially not a puppy. The holiday season tends to get so stuffy. Nice to have a little levity.

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