Excerpt from State of California vs Big Bad Wolf; closing statement of defense attorney for Mr. Wolf
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you’ve heard the evidence from the witnesses, and you’ve heard the closing statement by the prosecution that my client, Mr. Big Bad Wolf, did willfully and recklessly murder Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother. Without a doubt, my client is not guilty of this heinous crime.
On the day in question, my client witnessed little Miss Hood walking in the Deep Dark Forest all alone. As a longtime resident of these woods, he is aware that many dangerous creatures live there. Wolves never allow their cubs to go out into the woods by themselves. My client assumed that the little girl had wandered away from her home and was lost.
Desiring to take her back home, Mr. Wolf stopped her. Imagine his shock when little Miss Hood told him that her mother had sent her there. And when the little girl added that she was on an errand to take a basket of goodies to her sick grandmother, who lives in a cabin in the Arroyo on the other side of the woods, my client couldn’t believe his ears, as large as they are.
What kind of woman sends her little daughter on such a dangerous errand? And leaves her sick old mother to live all by herself on the far side of the woods? Did Mrs. Hood at least send medicine and soup to the old lady? No! She sent a basket of double double chocolate muffins. No wonder the old lady is sick, if that’s all she’s been eating.
My client watched Miss Hood go on her way, playing and picking flowers as she went. If he had wanted to eat the little girl, he could have done so easily then. Instead, he went to the grandmother’s cabin to check up on her. Knowing the woods as well as he does, he arrived long before little Miss Hood did. He knocked at the door, but to his horror, when the grandmother answered it, she took one look at my client and keeled over dead.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is a civilized wolf. He would never harm a hair on a little old lady’s head. But he is a wolf. And when a potential meal drops dead in front of him, his instinct will not let it go to waste. So he ate her. But he did not murder her.
Now, (ahem) we come to the delicate part. My client was hoping this wouldn’t become public knowledge, since he considers it a private matter. But a large portion of the prosecution’s case depends on the fact that when little Miss Hood arrived at the cabin, my client was in her grandmother’s bed, wearing her nightie. (Ahem) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the fact is, my client happens to enjoy wearing women’s clothing occasionally. This may not be common wolf behavior, but it is not illegal, and it is certainly not an indication of his guilt.
Almost immediately, my client was overcome with exhaustion, and fell asleep on the old lady’s bed.
He was in a deep sleep when little Miss Hood woke him up and began asking him rude questions, like why his eyes and his ears were so big, and why he was wearing her grandmother’s nightie. It’s not surprising that he became irritated and started chasing her around the cabin. That was when the woodsman arrived and jumped to entirely the wrong conclusion. He called 911 and my client has been in jail awaiting trial ever since.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Mr. Wolf has been thoroughly traumatized by these events. The charge against him is clearly without foundation. It’s outrageous that he has been accused of such a vicious crime, when he was motivated only by concern for the little girl and her grandmother.
If anyone is responsible for this tragedy, we need look no further than Mrs. Hood, Little Red Riding Hood’s mother. First, she sent her young daughter into the woods all alone. Second, she didn’t even care enough to look after her own sick mother.
But ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if the truth be told, we are all responsible.
Wolves have lived in the Deep Dark Forest since time immemorial. Our woodsmen have clear-cut their trees. We have encased their streams in concrete and built housing tracts on their land. We expect them to obey our laws, in spite of the fact they have lived in accordance with nature’s for centuries.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I urge you to search your hearts. My client, Mr. Wolf, is a victim, not a criminal. It is your duty to find him not guilty and let him return to the woods where he belongs.
I rest my case.
© Copyright 2009 Janet Aird. All rights reserved.
Janet Aird writes technical and business articles about the environment for landscapers, arborists, farmers and professional water managers, but her true love is writing about relationships between people. Her articles, essays and short stories have been published in magazines and newspapers in the United States, Canada and England. Her story “Downsized” appeared on this blog in May 2009.
9 thoughts on “State of California vs Big Bad Wolf by Janet Aird”
Ha! I just signed a “save the wolves” petition for this very reason. Delightful.
Right. Blame the mother! It’s always her fault. How do we know Red didn’t just make up that story. Maybe she went to the woods to pick up wolves? And maybe granny was an old pill that drove everyone away from the woods. Sigh. But, I agree. You can’t blame a wolf for eating a meal that drops dead in front of him.
And where was Mr Hood? It was HIS mother. Darn. Get me rewrite.
Petrea – I think I signed the same petition.
Thank you all for your comments –
I always suspected there was a deeper story behind the one foisted on us as kids. Very nicely done, Janet. You got more laughs per word than anyone!
Very clever and funny, Janet.
Is grandma’s house on the market?
I know a certain City Council who could use Mr. Wolf’s attorney. Actually, they already have him.
Hilarious take! Very fun read.