Rupert’s Snapping Turtle by Petrea Burchard

“I didn’t do anything, officer.”

“Maybe you should have, ma’am.”

The officer stomped out to the porch to wait for the coroner, walking right past Rupert’s crumpled body on the rug. Contaminating the scene of the crime, I think they call it.

But there was no crime.

Rupert always said I was slow. I didn’t make dinner fast enough, didn’t pour his beer quickly enough. He even said I was a slow learner. He called me “Tortoise.” It wasn’t an endearment.

Sure enough, when he keeled over I was slow to get to the phone. You were right, Rupert.

© Copyright 2016 Petrea Burchard. All rights reserved.
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Petrea Burchard enjoyed a 30-year acting career before morphing into a writer. She is the author of the novel, Camelot & Vine, as well as Act As If: Stumbling Through Hollywood With Headshot in Hand, essays about the life of a journeyman actor in Hollywood. She gained a following in the anime world as the original English voice of Ryoko, the sexy space pirate in the cult classic, Tenchi Muyo!, and continues to work in the voice-over field.

14 thoughts on “Rupert’s Snapping Turtle by Petrea Burchard”

  1. That’s cold poor Rupert but I guess he shouldn’t have called you a tortoise. I’m calling my wife Rabbit.

  2. LOVE this. My favorite so far. Succinct and rich. In these few words you get the whole picture of this marriage. Snappy ending.

  3. This is officially my favorite allegory. I shall gift it to all my marginally-misogynist male acquaintances with a submissive smile and friendly note: “Watch it, buddy.”

  4. Come on, can’t you women have a little sympathy for Rupert? I’m sure deep down inside he meant well -it’s just that someone has to wear the pants.

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